Ridiculous Predictions Kyushu 2021

[Yamanashi 3,903]

1) Daieisho tells Kiribayama that when he broke into Sanyaku, he had to send an order of Sushi Super-Deluxe to the rest of the top-rankers; so, Kiribayama had better start putting the order together. 

Nervous, Kiribayama asks Ichinojo about it: Ichinojo says he doesn't remember because he entered a long time ago, but he really likes Uramaki, so ...

He asks Mitakeumi, who trys to keep a straight face and tells him to keep the nigiri coming.

Finally, he asks Kakuryu, who stares at him for a few seconds and says "I don't like fish."

[Gurowake 4,099]

21 hours ago, Asojima said:

Hakuho protests the terms of his retirement agreement and is permitted to return to the dohyo pending a resolution.  Following his zensho yusho, he flips the bird to the NSK during the awards ceremonies and walks out.

I hoped I would get in with a "Hakuho wins the Yusho" ridiculous prediction first.

[Yamanashi 3,903]

4 hours ago, Gurowake said:

I hoped I would get in with a "Hakuho wins the Yusho" ridiculous prediction first.

Rest assured, "ineligible person wins Yusho" is firmly entrenched in the Ridiculous Predictions tradition.  It's almost as popular as "NSK makes decision counter to stated rules."  After all, this isn't the "Somewhat Plausible Predictions" topic.

[Yamanashi 3,903]

2) 3 Oitekazebeya rikishi for Kyushu basho are at J1e, J2e, J3e: Tsurugisho, Daiamami and Daishomaru.  They make a solemn pact: they'll keep winning and storm Makuuchi together.  Unfortunately, they jinx themselves and get make-koshi records for the basho.  The winner and first Juryo Zensho Yusho in 7 years: Daishoho, J7w from ... er ... Oitekazebeya.

[Fujisan 533]

A minor earthquake hits Japan causing only minor injuries and no deaths  but the Fukuoka Kokosai arena disapears in a sink hole forcing the basho to be fought on an improvised dohyo on the city high street.

[sahaven111 178]

45 minutes ago, Fujisan said:

A minor earthquake hits Japan causing only minor injuries and no deaths  but the Fukuoka Kokosai arena disapears in a sink hole forcing the basho to be fought on an improvised dohyo on the city high street.

Aside from the injuries that'd be pretty fun to watch

[Churaumi 745]

At the end of the day,, but before the yumitorishiki, Hakuho strides down the hanamichi, sheds the blue suit, and reveals a mawashi. He stands in the way waiting for a competitor to appear, making every one uncomfortable for far too long. Then, when none appears, he turns back down the hanamichi, double birds to the sky.

Edited November 9, 2021 by Churaumi
I know someone beat me to Hakuho but mine has two middle fingers in it so it's twice as good

[Amamaniac 2,079]

A yellow mawashi gets delivered to Taganoura Stable in Fukuoka.  Takayasu decides to wear the mysterious shimekomi on Day 1, and wins his opening day bout.  Amazed by the sudden improvement in his strength and technique, Takayasu decides to continue wearing it, and ... continues winning.  He ends up facing Terunofuji on Day 15, both men with 14-0 records.  Takayasu charges out of the tachiai, and railroads the Yokozuna out of the ring, sending him flying down off the dohyo narrowly missing the East side judge.  

At the awards ceremony, Chairman Hakkaku hands Takayasu the Emperor's Cup, steps back, bows, and à la Mission Impossible, tears off his mask revealing that he is actually Araiso Oyakata (former stablemate and training partner, Kisenosato).  

Spoiler

As tears of joy stream down Takayasu's face, Araiso pulls off his mask revealing that he is actually Hakuho, and as predicted by Asojima and Churaumi, he double birds the dumbfounded rijikai representatives on the ring.  At that point, a giant white bird swoops down and flies Hakuho out of the Fukuoka Kokusai Center.  

 

[Benevolance 2,508]

Endo doesn't show up on time for his match on day one. Thinking quickly, Tobizaru grabs his Endo Butt Pillow (TM) and, tying it under his mawashi, wrestles in Endo's place. Nobody notices. Or maybe nobody cares. Endozaru wins. The ladies swoon. 

[Yamanashi 3,903]

2 hours ago, Amamaniac said:

A yellow mawashi gets delivered to Taganoura Stable in Fukuoka.  Takayasu decides to wear the mysterious shimekomi on Day 1, and wins his opening day bout.  Amazed by the sudden improvement in his strength and technique, Takayasu decides to continue wearing it, and ... continues winning.  He ends up facing Terunofuji on Day 15, both men with 14-0 records.  Takayasu charges out of the tachiai, and railroads the Yokozuna out of the ring, sending him flying down off the dohyo narrowly missing the East side judge.  

At the awards ceremony, Chairman Hakkaku hands Takayasu the Emperor's Cup, steps back, bows, and à la Mission Impossible, tears off his mask revealing that he is actually Araiso Oyakata (former stablemate and training partner, Kisenosato).  

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As tears of joy stream down Takayasu's face, Araiso pulls off his mask revealing that he is actually Hakuho, and as predicted by Asojima and Churaumi, he double birds the dumbfounded rijikai representatives on the ring.  At that point, a giant white bird swoops down and flies Hakuho out of the Fukuoka Kokusai Center.  

 

So the old crone's cryptic predictions were true!!

[Yamanashi 3,903]

42 minutes ago, Asojima said:

So were mine.

(Well, yes, but I didn't want to write "and so were the old codgers!")

[Hakuhonofan 334]

Shohozan harited himself to yusho, to everyone in NSK's praise. 

[Ganzohnesushi 526]

After winning the Yusho already on Day 14 with a whopping 14-0 record Abi gets out to party all night long. Thus unfortunately he will miss not only his Bout on Senshuraku but also the award ceremony…

Ganzohnesushi

[Benevolance 2,508]

Shohozan, spotting moto-Goeidou sitting ringside, ignores his opponent at the tachi-ai, and instead charges out of the ring and tackles the former ozeki, losing the match but winning the hearts and minds of everyone, everywhere. 

[Yamanashi 3,903]

2 hours ago, Benevolance said:

Shohozan, spotting moto-Goeidou sitting ringside, ignores his opponent at the tachi-ai, and instead charges out of the ring and tackles the former ozeki, losing the match but winning the hearts and minds of everyone, everywhere. 

I like this (out of reactions).

[neonbelly 226]

Ichinojo rediscovers the slapdown and rides it to a 14-1 yusho. His sole loss will be by yorikiri to whomever is the smallest guy in the division right now.

[Yamanashi 3,903]

7 hours ago, neonbelly said:

Ichinojo rediscovers the slapdown and rides it to a 14-1 yusho. His sole loss will be by yorikiri to whomever is the smallest guy in the division right now.

That would be Terutsuyoshi, a good choice because of his ashitori prowess.

[yohcun 401]

Local boy Shohozan wins the emperor's cup by default, as everyone else forgot it was actually being held in Kyushu this time.

[Jakusotsu 6,041]

Not only will we see a record number of 15 withdrawals in Makuuchi, all of them happen to be scheduled against Yutakayama who takes the yusho without fighting a single bout.

[hakutorizakura 643]

It ain't a ridiculous predictions thread without any mention of Hakuho and Hattorizakura, so here goes...

The NSK, after seeing gyoji bowling actions today, decided to test a new scoring system for this basho. A rikishi who manages to bowl out a gyoji gets a half shiroboshi, win or lose. The main proponent of this idea is ex-Kotoyuki, who is still bitter about being shouted so often at the tachiai to put his hand down.

Naturally, by the second half of the basho, the makuuchi gyoji ranks are decimated and so they had to move up everyone from the lower ranks. Day 11, the number of available gyoji is dangerously low, so they start putting yobidashi, oyakata, and anyone available for the job, and recruited back recently intai rikishi including our beloved Hattorizakura. He does really well in his new role as a gyoji in the new system, doing what he did best in his heyday: inadvertent collapse. 

In the end, Chiyoshoma wins the yusho with a 16.5-5 score (you can imagine how). Terunofuji finishes jun-yusho with 13-2 without any single gyoji incident in his bouts, due to Magaki oyakata participating as tate-gyoji.

[Fujisan 533]

At the beginning of day 8 they arrive to find a crop circle on the dohyo... 

"There you go even aliens love Sumo"  An official said.

[Benevolance 2,508]

Shodai shows up with a legit tachi-ai. 

[Fujisan 533]

One of the rikishi sneaks back into the arena for extra practise but after tripping on the dohyo,he leaves a mud angel in the centre of it.

When no one comes clean(pun intended) and admits to the trespass,every rikishi is made to lie face down on the dohyo to compare their size and shape for identification purposes...  

[Yamanashi 3,903]

On 08/11/2021 at 20:32, Yamanashi said:

2) 3 Oitekazebeya rikishi for Kyushu basho are at J1e, J2e, J3e: Tsurugisho, Daiamami and Daishomaru.  They make a solemn pact: they'll keep winning and storm Makuuchi together.  Unfortunately, they jinx themselves and get make-koshi records for the basho.  The winner and first Juryo Zensho Yusho in 7 years: Daishoho, J7w from ... er ... Oitekazebeya.

Update on day 12: entire heya gets the blahs: sekitori records are 5-7, 6-6, 6-6, 6-6, 5-7, 4-8, 6-6.

[Seiyashi 4,108]

There's going to be a special event after the conclusion of the Emperor's Cup: the Oyakata Cup. No word on what it is just yet, although sources say it's more than just the old-boy charity matches we've seen in the past.